I Hope There Will Be Oompa Loompas Involved. The Oompa Loompas Were My Favorite Part.

LINCOLN, NEBRASKA- In a move many industry watchers are calling "completely outside the box" Global pharmaceutical giant Novartis announced today a nationwide promotion to honor the 41st anniversary of the release of the classic film "Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory."

"We all remember Willy from our childhood, and no doubt have wondered what it would be like to win a magical golden ticket that would allow us to enter a place of pure imagination." said Norvartis CEO Joseph Jimenez. "Well today Novartis is happy to announce our very own golden ticket. Starting immediately, select packages of Excedrin, Bufferin, NoDoz and Gas-X may contain a way to a world of absolute drug-induced euphoria! That's right, we may have substituted the most popular narcotic in the country, oxycodone, for any of these products! How's that for powerful headache relief!!

"Of course, it would be ironic if you found one in a bottle of NoDoz, but we're betting you won't mind."

Mr. Jimenez went on to say that in addition to the wildly popular oxycodone, the promotion also features the classic narcotic morphine. Second place prizes include oxymorphone and hydrocodone.

I'm not making this up about oxycodone showing up on your Gas-X. Seriously, check your Gas-X if you have some. 

When asked why Norvartis would choose to honor the 41st anniversary of the film instead of last year's 40th, Jimenez said "well it's also the 7th anniversary of the remake. There's no need to overthink this really. The important thing is to realize that with every purchase of one of these selected over the counter products, you could be opening up a dream world of bliss. And possibly constipation."

"This is bettern' a lottery ticket" said Pikeville, Kentucky resident Buford Radley while emptying the shelves of a local Rite Aid of all forms of Excedrin. "It's kinda like a scratcher the way it builds anticipation, but the prize is better, especially now that Skeeter raised the prices on his Oxy's and I'm going through withdraw."

Industry analysts expressed surprise that a major recall of over the counter medicines did not involve Johnson and Johnson Corp in any way.

"I read the press release and Tylenol, Benadryl and Children's Motrin don't seem to be mentioned at all." said Merryl Lynch's Andrew Sigmond. "Go figure. Now, if you'll excuse me, I feel a killer headache coming on. I'm betting that some Bufferin will really hit the spot."

Full disclosure- The Willy Wonka idea came to me via an alert reader. It takes a village. 


Share on :
I Hope There Will Be Oompa Loompas Involved. The Oompa Loompas Were My Favorite Part.
I Hope There Will Be Oompa Loompas Involved. The Oompa Loompas Were My Favorite Part.
Reviewed by malaria
Published :
Rating : 4.5