Zogenix Pharmaceuticals Meets The Country's Need For More Hydrocodone.

SAN DIEGO- In a story I am totally not making up, Zogenix Incorporated is working hard to get more hydrocodone to your customers.

The company soon hopes to market a 50 milligram tablet with no acetaminophen. I swear. That's the equivalent of 10 Vicodin in one pill without any of that pesky Tylenol to slow someone down. Early indications are that the drug, which Zogenix plans to sell under the brand name Zohydro, has the potential to be quite popular.

"If one thing has been consistent in our market research, it's that pharmacy customers are almost universally saying one thing, and that is 'we want more Vicodin'!!" said Zogenix CEO and scumbag Roger Hawley in a fictitious interview. "The demand is almost universal, reaching across all regions, social classes, ethnic groups, and even the occasional pain sufferer. So we have developed an innovative new way to get consumers what they are craving. With the dose limiting effects of acetaminophen gone, there is literally no limit to the potential use of this profit....I mean, product!!"

Early contenders for the street name of Zohydro include Supervics, Turbonorcs, Zoes, Hydros, and Yellow Death, pending final determination of the tablet color.

"I particularly like that it's a prescription product" said 63 year old Winthrop Van Drusen from his summer home in Greenwich, Connecticut. "It makes it quite convenient to obtain a safe, pure supply of narcotic to meet my needs by simply browbeating a doctor, my social inferior, into writing a prescription."

Asked about concerns Zohydro will end up simply feeding the nation's large and growing demand for narcotics, Hawley, who will never spend a goddamn day in jail, didn't say "I think the key is to build on the lessons learned with the marketing of Oxycontin, and expand on the innovative ways they have addressed these type of problems while still meeting the needs of those in chronic pain."

Deaths from narcotic overdose have more than tripled since Oxycontin came to the market in 1995, and more people now die from prescription drug misuse than in traffic accidents. A fact Hawley doesn't seem to give a fuck about.

"I wish they's hurry up and get this shit out" said drug dealer and occasional user Juan Ventimillia outside a Philadelphia housing project. "My muthafuckin customers keep riding my ass for more and more Vics, and I thought I had the problem solved when I started scoring Norco instead, but shit, it's to the point now where I gots to carry so many goddamn pills around I sound like a goddamn shorty rattle every time I move. I'm hoping the new shit will save me some space. You know what I'm sayin?"

Street level dealers such as Juan face a mandatory 5 year federal prison sentence in the United States if they sell crack, while CEO's who peddle bullshit like Zohydro generally get to retire quite wealthy. That is why most guidance counselors recommend obtaining a degree in business before embarking on a career of getting people hooked.

Asked for comment outside his Florida radio studio, Rush Limbaugh didn't seem to hear the question. Probably because he's gone deaf again.   


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Zogenix Pharmaceuticals Meets The Country's Need For More Hydrocodone.
Zogenix Pharmaceuticals Meets The Country's Need For More Hydrocodone.
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