Mary Sammons Given Award For Some Reason.

SCOTTSDALE, Ariz.- The National Association of Chain Drug Stores today presented its Sheldon W. Fantle Lifetime Achievement Award to former Rite Aid CEO Mary Sammons, provoking awkward, polite applause among people with so little to do that they attend chain drug store awards dinners.

Seriously. I know a lot of the quotes and stuff in this post are made up, but they really did give her a lifetime achievement award. I swear.

"Throughout her career, Sammons has never been one to follow conventional wisdom. Her groundbreaking innovations in the world of retail should be a lesson to us all in outside the box thinking, and we at the NACDS are proud to honor tonight her lifetime of dedication, hard work, commitment, and near total lack of real achievement" said president Steve Anderson. "Conventional wisdom says we should be honoring conventional success, but we're proud tonight to break that mold."

During her tenure, Rite Aid's stock price declined almost 80%, wiping out millions of dollars in shareholder equity. Dozens of stores were also closed, and the company was saddled with an almost unmanageable debt burden which drove it to the brink of bankruptcy, all of which evidently is something to be very proud of.

"What the fuck?" said Tom Ryan, former CEO and chairman of CVS, a company that has gone from a regional drugstore player to the nation's largest pharmacy chain, upon hearing that Sammons would be sharing this year's award with him.

"Maybe it's just some sort of trick they're playing on Walgreen's." said a confused audience member, referring to the only one of the three major drug chains not honored with this award. Others theorized that the honor was more for Sammon's previous work with the grocery chain Fred Meyer, which ceased independent operations in 1999 and is now part of the Kroger Corporation.

Wait, no, that can't be it.

A member of NACDS who wished to remain anonymous speculated the award was probably for personal, as opposed to corporate, achievement, as Sammons was able to earn almost 3 million dollars in 2010 for running a company that hasn't turned a profit since 2006. She's also entitled to a base salary of at least $750,000 through 2012, and as much as $9 million if the company is sold. "You gotta admit, cashing in like that by creating a turd and then selling it would be a hell of an achievement" the source said.

At press time, that seems to be the only theory that makes sense. That or she blew someone.

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Mary Sammons Given Award For Some Reason.
Mary Sammons Given Award For Some Reason.
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