A Guest Editorial From Greg Wasson, President And CEO Of Walgreens.

We really have you stupid shits eating right from our hands.

Look, running a drugstore isn't rocket science. It all comes down to a basic premise, you buy things and then sell them for more than you paid. The less you pay/more you can charge for something the more money you make. It's as simple as that. Thing is, we realized long ago we were never going to be able to contain our costs the way that goddamned hick from Arkansas was able to with his Wal-Mart. Little fucker built up his business betting people would confuse his place with ours and he was right. Anyway, we need a different strategy to be able to compete in the retail jungle, and that's where the monkeys in the white coats we keep in the back come in.

You really think it makes us different. The pharmacists in the back and the mortar and pestle we use in our logo. We'll blow smoke up your ass about having 8,000 "points of care" across the country and 70,000 "healthcare service providers" and you dumbasses eat it up. Whatever it takes to get you to waddle into the store to stock up on the 2 for $5 canned Spam we have on sale this week, or maybe the 39 cent 20 ounce sodas. Shit. I don't give a fuck. Buy the $2.40 potato chips or a flu shot for all I care. Just as long as you leave behind some money.

What I've found over the course of my career is that the best way to get suckers to buy buy buy is to lie lie lie. When I told the trade magazine Drug Store News that it was our vision to "own well" I fully expected their writer to grill me about our decision to sue the city of San Francisco when they banned tobacco sales in pharmacies. It wasn't fair we said, because it allowed those pricks over at Safeway to stay on the tobacco profit gravy train. We went to court to be treated just like any other retailer, but then we wax eloquently into the PR machine that we're some sort of special wellness center. And you brain dead sheep lap it right up! That writer never said a word! He just took dictation and wrote me up a seven page blowjob!

This shit is getting easier every year too. “We are on the front lines of health care with [more than] 70,000 healthcare service providers and growing, We have [more than] 8,000 points of care across the country. What we are building is the most complete national network of integrated healthcare providers and locations in the country.” Now get in here and buy some of our new private label beer you fucking lush. We make more on it than we do on Budweiser, and the fact you're getting it from a place that values wellness so much can make you feel better about washing your life away.

So yeah, that's about all you need to know about how to make it in the drugstore business. I just saved you the time and money it would have taken you to get an MBA. You're welcome. Why don't you use some of that cash and stock up on some Camels and the 2 for $5 Oreos we have on special this week. Because we're committed to stand beside you every step of the way on your wellness journey.

Fucking idiot.

Note- Greg Wasson wrote these words using a word processor that exists only in my imagination.
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A Guest Editorial From Greg Wasson, President And CEO Of Walgreens.
A Guest Editorial From Greg Wasson, President And CEO Of Walgreens.
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Rating : 4.5