Highlights From The Weekend's Pill Counting Action

I will surely win the first Nobel Prize to be awarded in Pharmacy. Perhaps for my work over five years ago that will one day rid the world of tuberculosis. Or maybe for a brainstorm that struck me as I walked back to the happy pill room this day on my way back from lunch.

That's right every non-California pharmacist. My employer forces me to close the pharmacy and go eat. Forces he said. If I don't do it I can count on getting a phone call from corporate Monday morning. This stems from a victory won by the United Food and Commercial Workers Union back when unions still had a smidgen of power. So, thanks to the UFCW, I got to eat some tuna salad today.

Think about that for awhile then ask yourself if that's more than APhA has ever done for you. We both know the answer.

The crowds were thick and furious at the mall this day. Annoyingly so. Random numbnuts whose cellphone conversations evidently make them blind. Unpredictable yard apes liable to bolt in any direction at any time. Mormons. The only exception being when I walked in front of the bank. Why is it exactly that when someone is withdrawing $50 from a machine they are ensured of a bubble of privacy from the general public, but when grandpa is asking me if Cialis will give him a 3-day boner you can almost count on some lunatic coming up, standing next to him, and possibly interrupting grandpa mid-sentence with a question about where to drop off the film? Well no more. When I'm finished installing ATM machines next to every pharmacy cash register in the country, grandpa can ask me about his boners in peace.

You're welcome America.

Someone played out "Mary Had a Little Lamb" using their touch tone phone on the store's voicemail. It was perfect. The way they blended one note into the next showed effort and a little talent. I don't know why, but that message restored my faith in humanity a little bit.

It was soon destroyed. "What should I use in my eyes for allergies?" said a woman with very, very, tall hair. Normally I'm all about the hair, but this was just...freaky. I was trying to figure out if it was a wig and was distracted from the fact she had something in her hand. "Try some Zadator" I said, seeing the bottle in her hand too late.

Most of you in the profession know what happens when you recommend something to a person with a bottle already in their hand. They will engage you in a debate over the merits of what you suggested vs. what they are holding, and will ultimately buy what they came to the counter with over 95% of the time. Tip to all pharmacy students: If someone asks for a recommendation while holding a product, look the product over, and if they are not going to hurt themselves, say something like "that should do the trick"

Because you need to save your energy. You need to save it for customers like the lady later on that evening who asked "If I don't want to take Coumadin anymore what strength of aspirin should I use?" You must engage these people. You must fight them with all your power and pry that aspirin bottle from their hand. It will be difficult, and you will question at times whether it is worth it, but remember that person has a mother who loves them, or perhaps a dog, and you need to get that aspirin out of their goddamn hand for Rover's sake. It's not Rover's fault the human who adopted him is an idiot, and if the idiot dies, Rover will possibly be taken to the shelter and put down.

You must fight for Rover.

I went to refill the laser printer and saw there was one sheet of paper in the supply box. Someone left one sheet of paper in there so they could pretend it wasn't empty and thereby spare themselves the effort of going to the back room to get another box. I'm glad everyone who works in the store has a good union-provided healthcare plan, because when I find out who did this, I plan on hurting them.

On an allergy themed weekend, I told a 6 year-old child's mother she should "give the Claritin a shot" to treat the little dude's hayfever. Whereupon little dude starts to cry, thinking I'm about to give him an injection. I do kinda like my job sometimes.

I was almost run over by a car in the parking lot on my way home. Which would have been a shame because then I never would have got to collect my union-provided pension. Don't get me wrong, I still get to gamble in the stock market with a 401(k) like you do, but I can do it while counting on a set amount of retirement income guaranteed by law and insured like a bank deposit.

My last words would have been "Jesus Fucking Christ," which may be the same speech I give when I accept my Nobel Prize.
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Highlights From The Weekend's Pill Counting Action
Highlights From The Weekend's Pill Counting Action
Reviewed by malaria
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Rating : 4.5