An Interview With Governor George Wallace.

George Wallace, called "the most influential loser in 20th century politics" by biographer Dan Carter, first gained notional notoriety in 1963 when, as Governor, he made a famous "stand in the schoolhouse door," as a show of defiance to federal orders to desegregate the University of Alabama. Starting with his inauguration earlier that year, where he famously declared "segregation today . . . segregation tomorrow . . . segregation forever," Wallace practiced the politics of racial division throughout his rise to prominence, running what Carter called "one of the most racist campaigns in modern southern political history" in seeking re-election to the Governor's office in 1970.

Wallace ran for President four times, carrying five states in 1968 and coming close to his goal of throwing the election into the House of Representatives, where he had hoped to use his status as a power broker to end federal efforts at desegregation.  Four years later he was shot on the campaign trail while again seeking the Presidency, leaving him paralyzed for the remainder of his life.

He later renounced his segregationist views and served two more terms as Alabama's Governor, leaving office in 1987. The Drugmonkey caught up with Wallace in the fouth level of hell, where he has resided since his death in 1998.

DM- Thank you for taking the time to speak with me Governor Wallace, I'm sure you're a busy man.

Wallace- EEEYYYAAAGAGAHHHHHH!!!!! THE POWER OF BEEZEBUB IS UNQUESTIONED!!!! WHHOOOOOGGGHHHHH!!!... I'm sorry about that son, demons and all down here, I'm sure you understand.

DM- Certainly. I wonder if you've had much of a chance to stay in touch with what's happening in American politics during your time in hell.

W- Oh absolutely. I dedicated my life on planet earth to the art of politics and they've been kind enough here to allow me to keep up in between burnings of my naked body in boiling oil.

DM- So naturally my first question is your reaction to the election of President Obama.

W- It's hard to believe isn't it? "I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man. I think his success comes, in part, from his light-skinned appearance and speaking patterns with no Negro dialect, unless he wants to have one."*

DM- It almost seems like the modern "Tea Party" movement has taken a few pages from the old Wallace Presidential playbook.

W- Son, there's nothing modern about those Tea Partiers. Talk of the 10th Amendment and states rights? Racist fear-based demagoguery manipulating the white working class? Setting up the federal government as a bogyman punching bag? My God I was doing all that almost 50 years ago. The main difference is in my day all we had was the Jew-controlled, Communist-lovin' media. If I woulda had me Sean Hannity and those boys over at Fox News, let me tell you I would have been wrapping up my second term in the White House right in time for the bicentennial.

Please excuse the swarm of locusts that just came from my eyes.

DM- Did you ever see the assassination attempt that left you in constant pain for the last 26 years of your life as the work of Karma?

W- What? No, the boy that shot me's name was Bremer

DM- Yes, but maybe that it was part of a larger cosmic force set in motion by some of the things you'd done in politics?

W- No, that boy was just crazy, they found his dairy, and he said he was just looking to be famous. He was either gonna shoot me or Nixon.

DM- I see. Governor, why do you think you ended up down here, even after you renounced your segregationist views and said of your stand in the schoolhouse door, "I was wrong. Those days are over and they ought to be over."

W- I've thought about that son, and you know, it's easy to look back and do the right thing. The apology of a broken old man doesn't count for a whole lot. When it mattered, I was worse than silent. I rode a river of hate because I thought it would make me a great man, but what I became was a piece of dirt in the dustbin of history. Now all I am is a lesson. To those who choose to listen.

Wallace then cried tears of fire, which seared the flesh of his face.

Racist Governor, 1963
Racist Governor, 2010
*This quote is a combination of things actually said by Joe Biden and Harry Reid 
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An Interview With Governor George Wallace.
An Interview With Governor George Wallace.
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