Once Again, It Takes Until Monday Night Before I Can Bear To Recall Friday's Pill Counting Highlights.

We have a floater tech that makes her way to the happy pill room every once in awhile, and by "every once in awhile," I mean twice in almost 4 years. My employer's usual reaction to one of our technicians going on vacation or being out sick would be translated from corporatespeak as roughly, "tough shit." We are expected to muddle through the day short staffed and magically fill the same amount of prescriptions in the same amount of time. And the corporates wonder why I long ago stopped listening to any critiques they may have of my performance. This day though, we had Marissa, which isn't her real name of course, and I was beginning to worry that Marissa might never come back.

Marissa is Latina you see, and talks with a bit of an accent, which the people in the lilly-white environment in which I work these days equate with being stupid. Marrissa spent the first few hours of her shift being talked to as if she were a first grader. Not outright hostility mind you, just the soft bigotry of low expectations.

"So, Marrissa," I said when we got to a quiet moment. "Who exactly did you piss off that they sent you down to this place today?" We instantly bonded. I really am a blast to work with. One of the great things about being me is that I get to work with me all the time.

Except that I'll eat your food. That's the one bad part about working with me. You leave something in the pharmacy and it's in my stomach within 5 minutes of your departure. It's a bad habit, an addiction almost, but to my credit, I am the only person I know of who does this that will admit to it.

There was no time to steal my coworkers food however, as there was a crazy thyroid lady to deal with. An exasperated Marissa kicked her up to me after a good 5 minutes of trying to deal. I started from the beginning. That's usually the bast way to deal with crazy people, as it calms them down sometimes.

"I have a prescription for some Armour Thyroid, and that woman I just spoke with...."

It was clear by the emphasis she put on the word "woman" that what she meant was "stupid Latina woman who talks with an accent"

".....said you don't have any"

"That's right ma'am, there's a manufacturing problem, and our wholesaler isn't always able to supply it, it's been hit-or-miss for awhile now."


"I called the other (insert name of large corpro-pharmacy here) last night and they don't have any either, and no, I don't have a way to check stock of my competitors."


She went on hold. "Marrissa, you have to promise me something, OK? Don't ever do this. Ever."

Marissa nodded, and I then hung up on crazy thyroid lady. I am a total blast to work with.

"Why is the blood pressure machine out of order? Is it because of the flu?" Stupid customer. Everyone knows when the blood pressure machine gets shut down it's because it's HIV positive.

Immediately after this the assistant manager comes in and wants to borrow some tape. I point her to the tape dispenser, and she walks up to the tape dispenser, which I will remind you, is a machine that dispenses tape. Which is what she wants to borrow take. The tape is clearly visible. She then asks:

"This one?"

I went to school 5 years for this.

As I raided the refrigerator in a futile search for leftovers from Marissa's lunch, I noticed an oven thermometer. The last time the state board inspector was in she wrote in her report that we needed to have thermometers in the fridge. I think technically we might be in compliance now. I'll have to check.

I looked up a short time later and saw a man running down the aisle in order to get his place in the prescription pickup line. He accomplished his goal. He totally beat the hunchback little old lady in her walker. "I was here first!!!!!" he announced to Marissa's replacement, and there was no arguing he was right. Chivalry is dead and it's corpse is cold my friends. Maybe it was overrated anyway.

It was at that moment that I realized I was in love with the iPLEDGE lady. For those of you not in the profession I'll let you know the iPLEDGE program is a redundant, pain in the ass set of hoops everyone has to go through to make sure the acne medicine isotretinoin doesn't end up in the hands of a pregnant woman and giver her a baby with a football shaped head. Part of the process involves me calling a phone number to make sure a patient has met the requirements of the program, and the womanly robotic voice that answers is sometimes the most competent interaction I will have in a workday.

The iPLEDGE womanbot is never stupid or rude. In fact, she's amazingly patient when i accidentally hit the wrong button trying to answer her questions. The iPLEDGE womanbot is always cool and collected. I bet she's really smart. And has long hair down to the small of her back that is black as the night of a new moon. She even has an accent. The way she says "pre-SCREAPT-tion" melts my heart. After the machines take over civilization, I want to marry the iPLEDGE womanbot and have her babies. I know none of them would have football heads.

I closed the gate on this workday with a head full of dreams of the iPLEDGE womanbot, and hopes that Marissa would come back the next time we were short a tech. And maybe bring some food.
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Once Again, It Takes Until Monday Night Before I Can Bear To Recall Friday's Pill Counting Highlights.
Once Again, It Takes Until Monday Night Before I Can Bear To Recall Friday's Pill Counting Highlights.
Reviewed by malaria
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Rating : 4.5